i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Randomize
