There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
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