You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
