There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
