I wish life had little blips of pornography
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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