A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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