i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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