his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
