i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
