if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
