i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
