I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
