I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Randomize
