someone get that fucking seahorse.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
