genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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