3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
