Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
