i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I did not marry a roomba.
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