Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
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