Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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