I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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