marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
