i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
