Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Randomize
