I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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