You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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