My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
