He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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