At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
