Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I think people are normalizing furries
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
