Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
