He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
No I am not eating basil off your cock
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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