Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
