I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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