the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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