Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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