mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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