If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
