Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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