the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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