At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
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