I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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