Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
