I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
