Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
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I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
What a dumb baby whore.
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Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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