My cat gives me a boner
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
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U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
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Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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