I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize