You can't motorboat a personality
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
