We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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