Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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