He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
