I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
