Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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