Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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