My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
