i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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