Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
well most of my day revolves around power hour
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Randomize
