He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
